This is the second film I’ve ever experienced that Funkytown shows up in to confuse the daylights out of me. smash hit “Funkytown” gave me a feeling of whiplash I haven’t experienced ever and hope to never experience again. too? Why are there all these A-list artists and/or sad girl hours playlist mainstays on this soundtrack? Is this a fever dream? And how did they get them all to make covers of hits from the ‘50s, ‘60s and ‘70s for this movie? Hearing Annie St. Vincent, Brockhampton, Kali Uchis, Caroline Polachek, Thundercat, Weyes Blood, Gary Clark Jr. Wait, why the hell is she in this film too? Diana Ross, Tame Impala, St. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to play some Phoebe Bridgers to get myself to feel any kind of emotion besides immense pain at this. That doesn’t excuse the sins of their names, but it is something, I guess. Also, their headquarters is in the basement of a record store. I guess he’s like the Batman of this film, just with way less money. There’s also the head of the team, Wild Knuckles, but he’s just a guy or something like that. What else can you expect? Also on the team you have: Svengance, a Swedish hockey fanatic named Sven Stronghold, a massive man reminiscent of Andre the Giant Jean-Clawed, a French villain with a massive robotic lobster claw that has a mime’s clothing scheme and is voiced by Jean-Claude Van Damme and perhaps most egregious of all, Nun-chuck, who is - get this - a nun with nunchucks. Because it’s the mid-70s, one of the members of the Vicious 6 is named Belle Bottoms. They aren’t even half-decent puns at that. You might be asking yourself, “Why should we use these names as the main reason to try these people for war crimes?” The answer should be quite obvious - they’re all goddamn puns. All of the members of the Vicious 6 have names that should be tried at the Hague for crimes against human decency. This also includes being mailed a hologram-projecting cassette tape that he plays in his mother’s car - because that’s a smart economical decision for a group of villains - only to explode like a Tom and Jerry -esque skit.Įventually we are introduced to the six members of the Vicious 6 in a montage scene with Brittney Howard of Alabama Shakes performing a cover of Earth, Wind & Fire’s song “Shining Star” alongside Verdine White, Earth, Wind & Fire’s bassist. Steve Carrell reprises his role as an 11-year-old Gru in this prequel film, which follows the little manlet as he tries to fill a spot on his favorite villainous team, the Vicious 6, after their leader “died.” Of course, being an 11-year-old in the year 1976, Gru has access to incredible technology like a rocket-powered tricycle to go to school in. Krabs in the 2004 Spongebob Squarepants movie, “money.” So, why did they unveil this abomination over this past summer? In the words of Mr. Sing 2, the film that the studio released last year, earned nearly $409 million worldwide. Did they need to release this? Absolutely not. Minions: The Rise of Gru firmly cemented the Minions as the second worst thing to ever come out of France, after a legacy of colonialism that has created a butterfly effect which continues to affect their former colonies to this day. What could the French even release to remotely contend with that travesty? That answer would have to be Illumination Studios’ perennial curse on the world with yet another installment of the adventures of the banana Tic Tacs. Apparently, the French made a resolution to wage a media war against the United States for the crime of Emily in Paris having three seasons at the time of this article’s writing, which is arguably five too many. And New Year’s resolutions have been created, whether they will last or not.

The confetti has been swept off of the asphalt of a major city. The oversized objects have fallen slowly to the ground.

“Auld Lang Syne” has been sung a few too many times.

Sad minion softball